I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
