I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
