So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
