You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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