Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize