Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
