I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
