Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
