Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
