Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize