i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
