Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
