im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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