Cold hands, warm shart.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
