our cab driver is having phone sex.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
