I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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