I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize