I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
