He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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