If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
