I can text with my tongue
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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