Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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