Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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