Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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