New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
