do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
