seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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