Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
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