Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
