I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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