i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
