Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
