You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
