When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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