you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think my fart just growled at me.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
