yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
