I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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