I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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