it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
