I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
