so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
