In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
