the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
