Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
