I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
