Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
