Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
