Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
