Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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