I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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