Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
