and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
