I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
