I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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