Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
