This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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