You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
