If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize